Friday, 25th April 2008

I had a dream last night.

I was strapped to the executioners’ gurney, awaiting my sentence. I don’t know what I did, but it was probably more severe than stealing underwear or siphoning gas (I’m still not publicly admitting to either). The curtains were about to open to reveal my pathetic body to the audience, I was mentally preparing my last words.

The nurse then came in to locate the vein that would deliver me from evil. Bearing more than a passing resemblance to my girlfriend, I took the opportunity to flirt with her, throwing down my best lines before going in for the kill with a ‘whaddya-doin-afta?’ Just as she looked around the room, clearly seeking an escape route for the both of us, Matthew walked in. dressed all in white with hair oh so perfect, he hurried her away from me and proceeded with the execution in a simply excellent but very sterile manner. Everything was done to the letter, there was no room for error.

I awoke petrified.

Clearly though, this is how I see Matthew. He is the spoiler of my fun, he is the bringer of doom, and one day soon he’ll hold the power of life and death over my wretched, immoral soul.

Matthew, by his own proud admission, has never done any of the following:
1) smoked a cigarette
2) taken any illegal drugs
3) been arrested
4) been so drunk that he loses control of himself, or
5) Stolen anything.

Matthew is the Arnie to my Danny DeVito in the movie ‘Twins’. He’s the embodiment of perfection, whereas I consist of the shit that was left behind.

I’ve decided to alter Matthew’s chemical make-up. Beginning today, in addition to the messing with his stapler and pen tops (still ongoing and not having quite the desired effects), I’ll be adding additives to his diet. He only drinks coffee on a Friday morning (don’t ask) so today I’ll be adding a little ex-lax to the mix.